I know, I know. I’ve been AWOL from my blog for over a month now. It’s not because I don’t love all of you or because I’ve grown weary of my minivan. The past month has been a bit busy:

1. I started a new job with a great company (hint: stay at a Westin or Sheraton during your next vacation!). I work from home, but there is a lot of travel. During the first three weeks I went to the West Coast, the East Coast, and the South.

2. The school year ended two days after I started the new job, and to our three young lovelies, #1 is irrelevant.

3. My training for the Team Challenge Half Marathon has kicked up about 10 notches.

Today, #3 is heavy on my mind, so I’m gonna write about that for a bit.

I’ll bet that you think I’m going to get all philosophical and sentimental about my reasons for doing the half marathon, huh? The title of this blog isn’t a reference to my reasons why – if you want to know all the details behind it, you can click on the link on the sidebar (and feel free to donate generously to the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America). The title refers to what I have wailed to myself on many occasions: “Why am I doing this? What the h#$% was I thinking?”

It started off innocently enough. Run for a cause that has personal meaning to me and get in shape during the process. Sounds good, sign me up. But now that the race is getting closer (2 weeks!), I’m having doubts, big time. I’ve posted triumphant Facebook updates after each long run (“Ran 10 miles before sunrise!”), but what I don’t post is how hard the runs are for me. Muscles hurt that I didn’t know I had. I’m slower than everyone else that’s out running, especially those young girls in the sports bras who run 10 miles/hour and never sweat (Seriously? Are they androids?). And my inner critic is having the time of her life, whispering all sorts of things in my head like “You have no business trying to run…You’re old and slow….The kids in your 7th grade PE class were right about you….And what’s up with your hair?”

Today’s 10 mile run felt like a complete disaster. It’s hot & humid, I “bonked out” around mile 6, and I had to stop and walk a lot. I felt like a failure. I even cried when I got home, because I felt that I was letting James & the girls down.

Pity, party of one? You’re table is ready, with your special order of whine and cheese.

So where is the Minivan lesson in all of this? I’m not giving up. I’m going to take my two rest days, and get back out there again on Tuesday. I will be at the half marathon. I may not finish under 2:30 hours, and I may even need to walk a lot of it. But I will cross the finish line. That’s what I want the girls to see – that even though the journey has been difficult and I’ve wanted to give up, I kept pushing forward to the finish. When they’re faced with their own difficult journeys, I hope they remember the time that Mama finished a half marathon, and they’ll know they can handle their challenges.

Oh yeah – since the half marathon is in Napa Valley, I will have wine and cheese at the after party, thank you! And my inner critic can put on her sports bra and run off with the rest of the androids!